Screwed, Blued and Tattooed: A Walmart Story
by chibichibi k
Summary: A/U “Good morning shoppers and welcome to Walmart!” One Piece characters working at Walmart... How bad could it be?
1. Screwed

_Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, the wonderful Oda does!_

**Author's Notes:** Welcome to the story which is ultimately going to kill me! ;) So let me just set this up for you, not that you really need much of a set up. Anyway about a month or so ago I went to an Anime Con with my friends and one night we were talking in the hotel room about what would happen if you took the OP characters and Walmart and put the two together...

This story is the answer. Anyway this is an alternate universe sort of thing. People still have their powers since that just makes them, them but there is no grandline and no pirates. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and all feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll try to update this as frequently as I can.

Enjoy!!

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It was a bright and beautiful Friday morning and the store's lights flickered fully into life, illuminating the almost vacant building, it looked like it was going to be a prosperous and wonderful day. The store's manager hummed happily to himself as he inspected what had been accomplished by his always efficient and professional night crew. He really had to hand it to them; the place always looked fantastic when he strolled into the store in the mornings and considering what his day time employees could do to the place that certainly said a lot. He was really fond of his day time associates but they could get a little rambunctious.

He made his way to the front office once he had finished his morning inspection and was quite pleased with what had been done. One wouldn't even have known that the furniture and crafts departments had been completely covered in fluorescent yellow and blue paint or that the sporting goods counter had been melted down into some sort of odd sculpture. How those events had transpired he would never know. Flopping into his chair, the store manager went about checking his e-mail and sighed at all of the junk from head office. He skimmed the irrelevant ones and was almost done by the time his two assistant managers wandered into the office.

He nodded in welcome before opening the last of his e-mails. He briefly went over them and was about to delete the last e-mail, thinking it was nothing more than more corporate bullshit, when the subject line caught his eye. He carefully read the e-mail and cursed loudly once he had finished it. Running his hand through his shoulder length red hair, he dreaded what this e-mail meant. Having heard their boss' curse, the two assistant managers wandered over.

"What's the problem this time?" The gold eyed one questioned as he glanced at the computer screen.

"Now what did you mess up?" The red nosed other asked before getting an elbow in the ribs, hard. He glared at his attacker but said nothing more.

The red head sighed once more before swiveling his chair around to face his assistant managers. "There's going to be an impromptu visit today from one of the higher ups."

"Which one?"

"…Garp"

"Shit."

"Oh fu –" Another elbow to the ribs stopped the red nosed manager's exclamation.

"I know," the red haired store manager sighed. "Buggy, Mihawk. We need to try and keep the hellions we call associates somewhat under control today. I'm counting on you two."

Mihawk nodded in understanding before turning to leave the front office. Buggy nodded absently but his mind was running wild with thoughts on how to use this surprise visit to his advantage and finally get the store manager out of the picture. He left the office shortly after Mihawk cackling evilly as his devious plans formed in his twisted mind. The store manager watched them go and an overwhelming sense of dread overcame him as he heard the chaotic sounds of his day associates filing into the building.

He turned back to his computer to re-read the e-mail when a loud smash reached his ears, followed shortly by an even larger crash. Slumping forward, he let his head hit the desk and sighed once more. The store was barely even open and they were already destroying the store.

"We are so freaking screwed," Shanks mumbled despondently.

On the other side of the front office door, the Customer Service Manager's voice could be heard welcoming the day time associates and early bird shoppers cheerfully to the store. "Good morning shoppers and welcome to Walmart!!"

_TBC_


	2. Morning Meeting

_Disclaimer: Same as the first chapter, I do not own it... Just the insane plot, that I own!_

**Author's Note:** If you read the first chappie and willingly came back for the second... Thanks! I hope you continue to enjoy my insanity!

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With the surprise visit from Garp drawing near and the fact that Shanks didn't actually have a clue as to when the CEO was going to make an appearance, he decided to call an emergency staff meeting. With Mihawk and a reluctant Buggy's help, they were able to gather most of the day associates in the back for the meeting, leaving only the cashiers, the customer service manager, greeter, and the courtesy desk associates to watch over the sales floor. The lounge/lunch room was bustling with noise as everyone squashed into the small room; it was not really designed to fit a large majority of the associates at once. Shanks watched as they all settled in, the few chairs in the room being snatched up quickly and even a few small fights broke out over the last few seats.

The manager's eyes widened as the young woman from the cash office hit one of the other associates over the head and while he held his head in pain, the orange haired girl stole the chair he was just about to sit in. Shanks winced in sympathy but opted not to say anything in case she turned her fiery temper on him. As the last associate lazily wandered into the lounge and then promptly fell asleep on top of one of the six tables located in the lounge, Shanks cleared his throat and rose from his chair to address his staff. No sooner than he had made the move to stand up straight, a pair of hands stretched from the back of the room and stole his chair before he could even blink.

A loud smack was heard throughout the lounge and was followed by a muffled "sorry." Shanks tried to suppress a smile but couldn't so instead he tried to once again address his associates.

"Listen up!" Silence quickly fell over the lounge, no one daring to interrupt their boss. "Alright guys 'n gals. We're going to be having a special guest coming by to inspect the store today. So, I need you all to bust your asses and make sure everything is done," Shanks declared to the associates before him.

"Who's the guy that's coming?"

"A CEO from head office by the name of Garp."

Whispers were heard throughout the room as associates talked amongst themselves about the visiting big shot. The whispers were broken by an eager and excited voice calling out to Shanks.

"What's a "Garp?" Can I eat it?"

The question was followed by yet another loud smack as the question-er was hit across the back of the head once more by the cash office associate. "Don't be an idiot! You can't eat a CEO, you morn! If you try to he'll probably fire you!"

Shanks sighed as the approaching visit seemed to be becoming more and more close to "End of the world" status. A snore from the associate from a top the table to his right broke his thoughts.

"As I said, Mr. Garp is dropping by sometime today so I need you all to work together so that his goes smoothly," Shanks said as his gaze fell on each associate in turn. When his gaze landed on the associate sleeping a top the lunch table, he glared before kicking one of the table legs so hard that the table buckled and the employee ended up abruptly sliding off the table and flat onto his face on the floor. "Are we all clear?" Shanks practically growled out at the now awake young man.

"Sure..." the barely awake associate agreed before blinking at Shanks dumbly. "Wait... what was the question?"

A wave of despair washed over Shanks then. He was fond of his ragtag band of associates but they were going to be the end of him. "Just get to work," he said dejectedly as he dismissed them and then dropped into his chair that was no longer behind him, so he ended up on his ass on the concrete floor.

A burst of laughter followed shortly after a shocked and disbelief silence and the red haired manager couldn't help but laugh along with his employees. A large "whoop" of hyperactive joy rang out as the young associate that had kept being smacked across the back of the head ran from the room towards the sales floor. Shortly after his exit a rubber arm shot back into the lounge and grabbed the barely awake associate by his shirt collar before snapping back and whipping the poor young man out of the room with a grunt of surprise. A huge bang followed their exit.

Shanks shook his head and hopped that Garp never showed because if he did he was sure that a psych evaluation would be requested to see why he had hired certain individuals of his staff.

TBC


	3. Tossed

_Disclaimer: I still do not own anything other than the idea for the maddness that takes place here within this story._

**Author's note:** So part three out of... God only knows how many chapters! Enjoy!

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As all the associates that took part in the emergency meeting filed out of the lounge and back onto the sales floor, a streak of red, blue and black shot out onto the floor and following behind was another streak, the second one black, white and green. No one really paid much attention to it since it was almost a daily occurrence. However, that didn't stop them from flinching when the first streak collided with a display of diapers, still on the skid, and the second streak crashed into the first. Several early bird shoppers stopped and stared in shock and awe at the scene before them but all of the associates nearby continued on as if nothing had happened, although...the associate in Infants was giving the two associates that had caused the disaster a glare that spoke volumes of the many evils that he wished to inflect upon them.

The red, blue and black streak sprung up from the wreckage of diapers and punched the air with both his fists as he laughed happily. "Shishishi! That was awesome, na Zoro?"

The former black, white, and green streak sat up amongst the boxes and glared at the laughing teen standing before him. "Luffy... One of these days..." Zoro jumped to his feet, teeth clenched and fisted his hands in the laughing friend's trademark red vest and growled in his face. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Luffy only smiled wider at Zoro declaration. "No you won't! You won't kill me because I'm your Captain," he said seriously as he stared pointedly at his green haired friend. "...Besides, I'm stronger than you."

"Why you...!" Zoro snarled threateningly but before he could do anything more, the red vested, black haired teen escaped from his grasp and took off down the aisles towards his department, leaving the fuming Seasonal associate behind.

Zoro glared at the retreating back of his friend and self-proclaimed "Captain of Walmart." Dusting himself off and kicking any random diapers out of his way, (was someone glaring evilly at him?) he was just about to make his way towards the Seasonal department but before he could take a single step a pair of hands clamped down on his shoulders and held the teen firmly in place. Zoro looked over his shoulder, a dagger sharp glare at the ready and his right hand resting over one of the three box cutters he had hooked to the waist band of his jeans. But any form of protest or retaliation died on his lips as he came face to face with a pair of hawk-like gold eyes that smiled evilly at the rooted associate.

"Ah, Roronoa, just the Seasonal associate I was looking for," Mihawk drawled almost disinterested, as he held the young man in place.

"I'm the ONLY Seasonal associate on," Zoro snarked at the assistant manager.

Mihawk's eyes narrowed at the green haired teen's comment but he said nothing. He smirked, which in Zoro's experience with the black haired assistant manager was NEVER a good sign. "Anyhow, Roronoa, I'm going to have to have you work in Toys for the rest of the morning."

Zoro's left eye twitched at the mention of the Toy department. Not only did he have to deal with screaming, crying, clingy and all around annoying kids every time he "helped out" in Toys, it also meant that he would have to work with Tashigi and he would rather stab himself in the eye with a box cutter than work with her. Zoro and Tashigi had never gotten along and it didn't help matters that while moving a skid of Halloween decorations earlier that year he had run over her glasses with the skid load of pirate costumes. Ever since then the teen flinched whenever Tashigi was near.

"Exactly why do _I_ have to help out?"

Mihawk just continued to smile evilly as he spoke. "Because the new kid, Helemppo, that was on last night did dick shit, so the whole department is in buggies. So it's going to take poor little Tashigi FOREVER to do it all on her own, hence why you need to help. Oh and besides, I said so!"

The entire time that Zoro and Mihawk had been talking, the assistant manager had been pushing the unaware Seasonal associate towards the department of discussion. Before Zoro could realise where Mihawk had pushed him to, one of the hawk eyed manager's hands had drifted up from its position on the teen's shoulder to rest on the back of his neck and the other had slipped to the waistband of his jeans. In a split second, Zoro had gone from standing in one spot to flying through midair as Mihawk tossed him violently into toys. For the third time that morning Zoro was once again flat on the floor and this time he was in front of a very pissed off Tashigi.

"Have fun you two and play nice," Mihawk called over his shoulder as he left.

TBC


	4. Tons to StockEat

_Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or any of it's characters. I just enjoy playing with them... a lot!_

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. I just moved and I never got around to posting it before the move and I just thought about it now!! So here is chapter four in our wacky Walmart adventure!! Also, for future notice, I do not know how often I'll be updating this story or any story for that matter since I'm starting school next week and it's an intense course. But I WILL TRY to update as often as possible!!

So that aside, Enjoy!

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_**Four**_

"Yahoo!"

The deafening yell could be heard throughout the store as the raven haired associate, the same young teen that had crashed into the skid, tore through the aisles on the way to his department. He ran quickly and uncaringly through the store and several customers as well as associates had to dive out of the way, lest they be run over. A majority of the associates on the floor steered clear of the young teen's path used to the daily chaos that the raven haired teen usually caused. Most of the employees found him humorous while others plotted their revenge against him, which usually ended up with multiple attempts on the young associate's life but he always came out of their plots unscathed.

Luffy continued to dash through aisles and customers but as he screeched around a corner someone grabbed him by the back of his vest, abruptly halting his progress and cutting off his air supply by the force of his sudden stop. He flailed comically until he realised that he was getting nowhere. He pouted and turned his head to find out who is unexpected captor was and came face to nose with Buggy.

"Ack! Oh, it's just you, Buddzy."

"IT'S BUGGY," the assistant manager roared at the young associate.

"Right... Let me go."

"No. Now listen hear, Mugiwara," Buggy practically growled. "We had a huge shipment last night and I need you to deal with ALL of it before your department manager gets in."

Luffy cocked his head then smiled widely. "That'll be easy. What time is he in?" He figured that the old smoky wouldn't be in until later if Buggy was telling him to do it.

Buggy smile wickedly as he casually checked the time on his watch. "Oh... He should be in, in about forty-five minutes. Better get to it. I wasn't flashily joking when I said it was a LARGE shipment."

Luffy nodded his head, barely listening as Buggy spoke. "Uh huh, forty-five minutes... I can do – Wait! Forty-five minutes!!" He turned wide eyes on Buggy, hoping the assistant manager was kidding.

"Yup, forty-five minutes. Better get to it flashily."

Luffy went to sprint down the aisle towards his area, determined to see how much there truly was. He didn't move even an inch since Buggy was still holding him by the collar of his vest. "Do you mind?"

"Hm...?"

"I can't work if you don't let me go," Luffy gestured to Buggy's grip on his vest.

Buggy pretended to look surprised but it came off more as manic glee. "Right," he drawled slowly and let go of the raven haired associate, his left hand floating back to reattach to his left forearm.

Once freed from Buggy's clutches, Luffy took off. "See you later, Big Nose" he called out before stretching his arms to grab a nearby display and then catapulting over it, leaving an utterly shocked and fuming assistant manager behind.

Luffy flew through the air and over three other departments before crash landing into the middle of his. After pulling himself out of his self made crater, he took in the sight of dozens upon dozens of boxes and crates of stock that needed to be shelved or put in the coolers.

"Yosh" Luffy cheered at the sight of all that food. Rubbing his hands back and forth with a huge smile on his face he couldn't help but bounce in excitement. "Alright, time to eat!!"

TBC


	5. Trucks and Threats

_Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece... Sad but true!_

**Author's Note: **So this is chapter five and the last chapter that I currently have done. I have no idea when I'll get the chance to get some more of this wonderful story done but I do intend to continue it when I have the time. So stick with me folks.

Enjoy!!

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_**Five**_

"Mihawk, please call 170. Mihawk, please call 170, thank you."

Mihawk sighed as the page echoed throughout the store. Reluctantly, he stepped away from where he was standing and giving the Electronics associate the evil eye, causing said associate to continually go into spastic fits of fear, and walked over to the nearest phone. As he walked into the Lighting department, he could hear the telltale sounds of the Furniture associate building, well actually destroying and then haphazardly throwing together, the display furniture. He chose to ignore that for now in favour of calling the Managers office.

"Shanks here," the store manager casually answered.

"What?" Mihawk asked in disinterest.

"Mihawk? About damn time! Look, I need you to go down to Receiving and get those assholes in gear. We had three trucks last night and four on the way. Get them busting their asses!"

Mihawk narrowed his eyes into his patented glower, not caring that Shanks couldn't see it. "You can't do this because?"

"I'm busy."

"Doing what exactly?"

There was silence over the line for a few beats before Mihawk heard Shanks sigh. "I needed a drink, okay?"

"A drink?! It's not even eight-thirty," Mihawk exclaimed. It wasn't unheard of for Shanks to hide away and have a small drink but that was usually after a particularly hard and trying day, usually when his associates destroyed merchandise than the store had sold. Not at eight-thirty in the morning when they'd only been open for just over thirty minutes.

"Yeah, I know but... I'm so doomed. I needed a little pick-me-up. I just had half a glass I swear, Mihawk."

Rolling his eyes at his boss' pleading Mihawk replied, "Alright, I'll go and talk to the receivers. You owe me. Oh and lay off the apple juice, you know it just makes you emotional." Before Shanks could stutter out a denial, Mihawk hung up.

He quietly made his way towards the back warehouse, only stopping briefly to yell at the Furniture associate to stop destroying their stock and to get the hell back to his actual job. When he got to Unloading there were only three out of the four receivers present. Mihawk had to hold back a small smile when the three Receivers that were there snapped to attention upon seeing him approach.

"Where is he?"

Only one of the three Receivers present was brave enough to step forward and answer the question, his entire body shaking so much in Mihawk's intimidating presence that his glasses kept sliding down his face. "He... He's d-d-doing the usual, Sir," he stuttered out.

Mihawk sighed and rolled his eyes at that. Looking at his watch, he counted down the remaining seconds before the store's Head Receiver went about his morning routine. Ten, nine, eight... four, three, two, on-

The P.A. began to crackle. "Attention Walmart customers! Today in the store... THE PIRATES ARE COMING!! THE PIRATES ARE COMING!! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! PROTECT YOUR BABIES AND YOUR BOOTY!"

There was silence for a moment before laughter floated out over the P.A. as the Head Receiver burst out into uncontrollable laughter. "Gotcha!! Hahahaha!!"

Mihawk looked pointedly at the four-eyed receiver and without a word the young teen ran off to retrieve the Head Receiver from where he was taking over the intercom. Within seconds he could hear the laughter of the older teen approaching and he was regaling the four-eyed teen with false tales of his adventures as a brave warrior of the sea.

"I once took on a thousand Sea Kings just to save a small whale from their evil clutches. I even took down the almighty Clown pirates with a spoon and a for-"

"Usopp," Mihawk interrupted.

"Shush, I'm telling of my adventures on the high seas! Anyway, the Clown pirates were the most notorious villains on the sea. That is until I, the Great Captain Usopp, came along!"

Mihawk, not one who liked being ignored, grasped the gold cross necklace that he always wore and pulled out the small three inch dagger that was hidden inside it. He pressed the tip of the blade into Usopp's abnormally long nose, enjoying the cry of terror and fear that escaped the teen's voice.

"So glad that I have your attention now," Mihawk snarled evilly. "We had three trucks last night and four more on the way. Get all of this," he gestured to the stock scattered around the entire back room with a graceful wave of his dagger, "shit loaded onto the skids and out onto the floor. Now."

The three younger Receivers, Carrot, Pepper, and Onion, sprung to work in fear of the assistant manager's wrath. Stock started being stacked on the skids in the blink of an eye. Usopp on the other hand, his face had contorted into one of immense pain and he clasped his stomach as though he was trying to keep his organs from escaping.

"As much as I would love to help," Usopp gasped out. "I can't. My chronic I-can't-work-all-this-stock disease has come back."

Mihawk's hawk like eyes narrowed as he took in the Head Receiver. He didn't know how many times he had heard this pitiful excuse ever since the curly haired teen had been hired but this was one time to many, especially with the looming CEO visit. But a good dose of fear would get the lying slacker back to work in no time.

He leaned forward menacingly and practically whispered into Usopp's ear. "You better _overcome_ this _disease_ of yours pretty quick, otherwise I'm going to have to deal with you personally. Understood?"

Usopp gulped at the thought. "O-o-okay... I'll get to it then, shall I?" He was so scared that every part of him was shaking. Before anything more could be said he tore off towards the other three and started manically stacking skid after skid of stock and ordering the others to get them out on to the sales floor.

Sheathing his dagger, Mihawk sighed once more – he was doing that a lot today – and walked out of the back warehouse. He was happy that things were finally getting done by the Receivers but he had really wanted to hurt someone and Usopp would have been perfect. Grumbling to himself, he headed off to the front offices. He was determined to get Shanks off his ass and away from the apple juice and if he found his boss still drinking when he got there, well he was just going to have to use "tough love" – a.k.a. a swift punch to the face – to get the store's manager on the right track.

TBC


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